


A Different You

by savingrin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Behind the Scenes, M/M, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:02:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24405487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savingrin/pseuds/savingrin
Summary: Depression can affect anyone - Suna learnt that the hard way.
Relationships: Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Kudos: 41





	A Different You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!!! This is my first fanfic so please be gentle 🙈🙈 I wanted to create a piece about growth even in the darkest of times- and this story is what came of it! I hope you enjoy - BUT - please be aware that there are triggers in this piece (i.e. self-harm, suggested attempted suicide...). 
> 
> Please be mindful of this and happy reading!

I was in my freshman year when I first saw you. I was already in my back corner seat and looking out the window when the whispers started. _Who’s that? I think he’s Miya-san... Aren’t there two Miya’s?_ I looked away from those trees towards the door and found your eyes on me. I tried to remain disinterested, but something in me couldn’t break your gaze. Your eyes held something that I couldn’t quite grasp but was dying to hold on to. 

You were different. 

You took your seat in front of mine, face as neutral as can be. “I’m Miya Osamu,” you said. “But you can call me Osamu.” I nodded, “Call me Suna.” You nodded too, a small smile spreading across your face, “Suna.” You turned around at that, and I couldn’t help but stare at the back of your head, wishing that you would smile at me once more. 

We didn’t speak again for a while after that, but when volleyball tryouts rolled around a few days later, I could not deny that I was pleased to find out that you would be there too. “You play?” I nodded. “What position?” “Middle blocker. You?” “Wing-spiker.” I nodded again, looking away from you and down at my work. “Wanna walk to the gym together after class?” You were staring at me when I looked back up.“Sure.” 

You waited for me to pack up my belongings, and we eventually made our way to the gym for tryouts. “‘Samu!” You turned around only to be greeted by a manhandling boy who looked just like you, only where your hair was dark grey, his was blonde. “Ah, Atsumu, you’re late.” The blonde pouted and stuck a finger in your face, “And who’s fault is that, huh? I told you to come and get me after class so we could walk together, but look at how that turned out.” You shrugged and turned back to me, “This is my brother, Atsumu.” You turned back to the blonde, “This is Suna, we’re in the same class.” I nodded at your brother as he narrowed his eyes at me. “What do you play?” “Middle blocker.” “Hey? You better spike my balls well then, or I’ll kick you off the team myself.” I blinked at him, “Can you even do that?” You sighed, “How lame,” and turned around then and walked into the gym. 

Tryouts were a breeze; they always were. The volleyball program at Inarizaki was what I expected it to be- but more than that, I could see the team’s potential and the strength that the seniors offered to their juniors. “I think it’ll be a good season,” you said as we walked home. I looked at you then, and you still had that mask on, but when you turned to me and smiled, I felt eased, but also wondered if there was something you were trying to hide.

My first year flew by, and it was coloured with few things: school, volleyball, and you. Our team didn’t win Nationals that year, but I didn’t mind, because I had fun and made memories anyways. And yet, it was also at the end of that first year when something even more memorable happened...

We were walking home, it was a quiet evening. We had just turned down a dark alleyway when you stopped in front, back still turned to me. I paused, waiting for you to move or say something. When you didn’t, I spoke, “Osamu.” You quickly turned around and pulled my face to yours. I was stunned, and all I could sense was your lips on mine and the steady pulse of my heart faltering with each passing second. You eventually drew back and brushed a thumb over my cheek. You smiled softly at me, and I knew that my face said it all. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.” You then turned around and walked away, hands in your pockets. 

You weren’t at school the next day. I asked Atsumu where you were, but he said you were sick. I tried calling you over lunch, you didn’t answer. I tried texting you too, but still nothing. I wondered if I should stop by your house later to check how you were. And so I did. Your brother answered the door and let me in without a word. I ran upstairs to your room, and when I opened the door, I was surprised to see you lying in bed, sleeping. “So, you really are sick.” You stirred slightly, “Yea, sorry if I worried you.” I paused, reaching into my bag, pulled out an onigiri and handed it to him. “For you,” I said. You lifted yourself into your elbows, “For me?” I nodded. You looked so happy, and when you smiled up at me, I knew I had made the right decision.

You came back to school the following day and never left my side. I found it funny how quickly people noticed, and just how quickly they made their assumptions. _Why is Miya-san always around him? I knew they played volleyball together, but I didn’t think they were that close. Maybe they’re dating?_ I looked at you when they said that. You weren’t paying attention to me, only mindlessly eating the onigiri in your hands. And yet, at that moment, you were the single most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. So, dating? I wondered if I even stood a chance.

And somehow, I did. We went on our first date a few days later. It wasn’t much, but we got food and walked around a park late at night. We talked and laughed and eventually found ourselves lying on a hillside, staring up at the moon. “Do you think there’s anything out there,” you asked. “What, like aliens?” “I mean, there’s gotta be something more.”

It was the beginning of our second year when everything started to change. We were officially together, officially a couple, and strangely enough, even Atsumu approved of us. “I’m surprised it took you so long,” he said as he wrestled you. We all laughed at that. I was happy, and I thought you were too, but it was more complicated than that.

I was right when I first wondered if there was something you were hiding. 

“I’m not okay,” you said. I looked at you, startled enough to not say anything. Your neutral mask was gone, and your face was raw with emotion. “You’re not okay?” You nodded. I sat next to you and held your hand, “I’m here. I know it’s not much, and I can’t promise to fix you, but I’m here.” 

I talked to Atsumu the next day and asked if something was going on with you. He looked away from me as if deciding whether or not his brother would allow him to share such a secret, “Osamu is...” I nodded. “He puts on a pretty convincing front, doesn't he. I know sometimes you can see glimmers of happiness when he’s playing volleyball or when he’s with you, but he hasn’t been truly happy in a very long time.” I paused. “Remember at the end of our first year...when I asked where Osamu was?” Atsumu nodded. “You said he missed school because he was sick.” “I did.” “Why? He was fine the day before.” _It was the day you first kissed me._ Your brother shook his head, “Depression isn’t always logical, Suna. Just because you have a great day, doesn’t mean the next one will be too.” I looked down, wondering why I hadn’t fully noticed it before. “Don’t beat yourself up, none of this is your fault.” I shook my head and curled my hands into fists, “What can I do?” Your brother sighed, “Just be there for him, that’s all we can really do.” 

I tried to spend as much time with you as I could over the next few weeks. We had made the volleyball team again that year, and it seemed that we might finally have a shot at winning Nationals. “I think it’ll be a good season,” you said as we walked home. I looked at you then, and you still had that mask on, but when you turned to me and smiled, I saw it. The emptiness that hollowed out your once bright smile, and I dreaded the fact that there was very little I could do to help you.

The months moved along, and Nationals rolled into view. “How do you feel?” You turned to me at that with a mixture of emotions in your eyes. “I know you care, Suna, and I thank you for that, but you don’t have to try and fix me.” I shook my head. “I’m not trying to. If you want to be fixed, you can do that yourself. Or just get Atsumu to kick you hard enough that you get amnesia. You laughed at that, and I realized it had been a while since I had heard such an incredible sound. 

It was finally the start of Nationals, and the team was ready to make our mark. “We are going to win,” Kita said the morning of our first match. We all believed him, and so we did. We won, and we won, and we won, and then it was the Karasuno match. Then we didn’t win. It was a challenging game, one of the toughest I’d played in a while. Karasuno was strong, and though we were too, though we played 120%, we lost to them in the fifth set. I thought everything would be okay, that it would be just like last year when we didn’t win. That we’d all go home and promise to do better next year. I was wrong. 

It was later that night when I’d gotten the call. My phone had lit up at 3 am, buzzing and whirring with your brother’s name printed on the screen. I was still groggy from just waking up, but when he spoke, “Suna,” I knew. “Where is he?” “He’s here at home-“ I hung up and ran out of the house. Your brother was waiting at the front door of your place and I brushed past him and ran up the stairs to your bedroom. I found you there, huddled against the wall and on your bed. You were rocking slowly back and forth, body curled up and hands clenched- they were bloody and bruised. I sat beside you slowly and took your hands in mine, being careful not to touch your wounds. You said, “I could’ve done better. If only I had hit better, we could have won.” “Karasuno was the better team, that’s why we lost, not because of you.” You didn’t believe me. 

The thing about depression is that it comes in many different shapes and sizes, so it affects each person differently, and so all we know is that it makes a person feel more sad or distant than they usually should. Though what is most unfortunate, is that there is also no cure. Sure, there are things you can do to help the situation- like seeing a doctor or therapist, taking prescribed medication, getting regular exercise...but the fact of the matter still stands. There is nothing sure to cure mental illness. This is what scared me the most. That even when you do all that you can, there is still a chance that it won’t help. This is why I was so scared for you, because even though you and everyone around were doing the best they could possibly do, it could still mean nothing in the end. 

That mask you always wore meant something different now. It was a heavy dullness that hurt me more than I’d like to admit, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to yell and scream at just how powerless I could be when the person I loved needed me the most. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” you said. I looked at you, startled enough to not say anything. Your mask was gone, and your face was raw with emotion. “You can’t do this anymore?” You nodded. I sat next to you and held your hand, “Do you remember the first day we met?” You looked slightly confused. “It was our first day at Inarizaki. You walked into the classroom, and everyone was whispering about you. You had everyone’s attention, and yet you looked at me. You decided to talk to me. I never did thank you for that. Us becoming close was one of the best things to ever happen to me. So thank you, Osamu. Really.” You started to tear up at that. “I know I’ve said this before, but I will say it again. I’m here. I know it’s not much, and I can’t promise to fix you, but I’m here.”

After that, things were good for a while. You and I would practice volleyball with Atsumu, we would eat food and do homework together, and oh how we would laugh... but then it happened towards the end of our second year. 

Things had spun out of control so fast that even I found it difficult to hold on. Atsumu always said that depression was illogical and unpredictable, but I never thought it would get to this. 

It was late one night when I’d gotten the call. My phone had lit up at 3am, buzzing and whirring with your brother’s name printed on the screen. I was still groggy from just waking up, but when he spoke, “Suna,” I knew. “Where is he?” “He’s here at the hospital-“ I hung up and ran out of the house. When I arrived at the hospital, I ran to the front desk, “Miya Osamu, what room is he in?” “I’m sorry, sir, but only family members are allowed to see him right now.” “What room is he-“ “He’s family,” your brother had said as he came up behind me. The nurse had looked skeptical, but she waved us by with the flick of her hand. “Room 1011.” 

We walked briskly to your room, and I halted in the doorway. I found you there, lying on the hospital bed. You were still, body flat and hands lax. Even through the bandaids, I could see that they were bloody and bruised, and just how the trail of wounds led up the entire length of your forearms. I sat beside you slowly and took your hand in mine, being careful not to touch your wounds. “Osamu?” You didn’t hear me.

The next few days were a blur. I didn’t care about school, I just cared about you. You never answered any of Atsumu’s or my questions, you never even looked at us, and I could tell it was taking a toll on him. 

I found him a few days later in the bathroom, shaking as he sobbed. “I don’t understand, what am I doing wrong?” I didn’t know what to tell him, I still don’t. 

“Osamu needs to take some time for himself,” the doctor said one day. I felt my heart stop. They were going to take you away. I told myself that it was best, that you needed to work through what was going on inside of you, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that this would be the last I ever saw of you. 

And I was right. 

The Osamu that came back was different from the one that left.

“He’s flying back this afternoon, Suna. I’m going to pick him up from the airport if you want to join.” “Sure.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t consider rejecting your brother’s offer. Part of me didn’t want to see what you’d become without me, for better or for worse. I knew it was selfish, but those months when you were gone, we’re some of the longest in my life. No matter how hard I tried, my thoughts always went back to you, and I was again reminded of how greatly I had failed to protect you. 

It was a chilly, windy afternoon when we picked you up from the airport. I think I’ll remember that day for the rest of my life. 

The moment you walked out of those sliding doors, I knew it was you. Even though your hair was now it’s natural colour, even though you were bundled head to toe in clothing, I knew it was you from the way my heart stumbled when your eyes found mine and you smiled.

You waved at us, and Atsumu ran straight to you, laughing as you bear-hugged each other. It hurt to watch, though the pain felt good as you were smiling in a way only a truly happy person could. When you two finally let go of each other, you looked at me again, and I felt that tear run down my face. Why had I ever wanted to keep you close, why had I been so selfish that I had wished to deprive you of such healing and growth? It didn’t even register when you crossed the space between us, but when you wrapped your arms around me, I realized that there was nothing I needed to worry about. “Suna.” 

“Do you remember the first day we met?” I laughed at that, tears still falling down my face. “It was our first day at Inarizaki. You were sitting in your back corner of the classroom, and you were the first person I noticed. I looked at you, and you looked at me, and we talked, and I never did thank you for that. You giving me a chance and sticking by me through my depression was one of the best things that have ever happened to me. So thank you, Suna. Really.” You started to tear up at that. “You’ve always said that you’d be there for me, and you’ve always kept your promises. Just know that I will do the same. I promised myself that day I left the hospital that I would do better for myself, and I have. I may not be fixed, I may still be broken, but I am here, and I am healing.” “That’s all you can really do.” 

Oh, and what a different Osamu you were indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a bit of a rollercoaster to write... telling this kind of tale really hit close to home and I really wanted to hit on the factors that as much as we want to fix someone or heal someone, we can’t unless they find it in themselves to do the same (OFC this is just my opinion and you are free to share yours~). 
> 
> Either way- just know that it is possible to heal in even the darkest of places! It may be hard, it may be difficult, but as long as you try, and as long as you believe, things can always get better. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
